Catch-up and Mustard

Seeing as it's almost been 6 months since I've posted on here, I figure it is about time for me to send the followers an update.  Plus I need this as an avenue to vent a bit.

It's been a whirlwind couple of months, I'm slowly taking on the new role of aunt on both sides of the family.  Hannah, my future sister-in-law is due on my wedding day and my sister will be due in November.  We are so looking forward to our niece, Tatum Leigh.  We know that Hannah and Sean are going to be wonderful parents and I look forward to the many holidays to come with a little one to spoil.  My sister Kelly is not sure what she is having yet, but we are all thinking and hoping for a boy.  Has not been confirmed as of yet.  We are currently trying to talk Kyle out of naming his baby Jesus.  he doesn't understand why no one names their child that anymore? Or the fact that he is not Hispanic....

With that aside, this is my first summer in quite a while where I won't be working.  Today is my first weekday off and I'm not sure how to handle it.  I've thought about delving into books or marathoning movies.  Or maybe even trying to work out on a consistent basis.  With so much time on my hands I feel like the opportunities are limitless.  As for what I should be doing, addressing wedding invitations.  I feel like I'm breaking a lot of rules while addressing these things.  Is it politically correct to use the nickname of a person if that is all they go by since you've known them and you aren't confident that their name is such? Yeah, and should I be putting "guest"?? I am for the people that I know are attached, but what about everyone else?  There are so many things that I don't have the time to debate over, but I guess it will all be okay in the end right?

Anyways, enough of my actual catch up on life an onto more important things. 

At small group yesterday, there was one question that we discussed that left me unsettled when I heard other answers.  I've always been confident in my own opinions, but I've never really paid much attention to the way my church feels about certain topics.  The question was similar to asking what you would do going into a discussion about faith with someone who does not believe in the word of God?

The topic of homosexuality was approached.  Now we didn't dabble on it for long, but long enough for me to consider what happens when the church you are a member of does not agree with you on homosexuality.  I do have a few friends that are gay.  I respect them and their choices and would hate to deny them the rights of any other committed couple.  But I know that there are many of my faith that believe that if you are gay, that you are going to hell.  That marriage is meant to be an opportunity only for a man and a woman.

With how screwed up this world is, with divorce rates rising, with teens getting pregnant, with soldiers dying for a cause that many of them don't agree with, with education being behind in this country, with the need to apparently decrease the largest side of soda because Americans can't make the choice themselves (seriously New York...come on), we BELEIVE that we are allowed to tell an entire community that they have less rights because of their sexual preference?

What about a trans-gender person getting married?  Would we deny them because of the fact they were not originally a man or a woman? How should that change the rest of the world? Are we going to look as ridiculous as those people who wanted the segregated water fountains in the 1960s?  These things are real issues to be discussed.  It can be viewed as an uncomfortable topic for most, but how are we to deny these rights to any of our peers?  Just a thought.  While I do not speak for anyone else, I can speak for myself.  Please realize this is one persons opinion.

growing into something special

In 2011, I realize how much I have grown. While I'm probably biased in this sense, I do think it has been changed for the better. In the beginning of this year, I had a lot of things going on. If you had told me at the beginning that I would be engaged before the end of the year, I would have thought you were crazy.

I can say that I have found someone who surpasses my expectations of him every day. Yes, we have our bad days but we are growing together and moving forward in our lives. I've really come to know what I want and how to tell people what I need. I may let things fester below the surface for a little too long still. But I'm getting better about voicing my concerns instead of acting out. A big part of that is this new relationship I am developing with my mom. She is really becoming my go to person for my issues and I can honestly say she knows everything about me (minus a few details from my past). She knows my heart and what I want for my future.

With everything that has happened this year, I see that I can potentially become something so much greater than what I am currently. I know that with my growing family on my side I can accomplish and achieve my dreams.

I know that I have so much to look forward to next year and I'm looking forward to setting some new goals and starting over. While a lot of it is going to focus on my finances and upcoming nuptials, I think that many of the things I am going to focus on for the next year will make me better for a lifetime.

...here's to you...

So here I sit, still battling through what to say to a best friend. There are no words to express how far we've come and how far we have yet to go. But separate ways seem to be our best advantage. Admitting that the friendship had a negative effect on both of us was probably one of the hardest things to admit to each other. So much so that I couldn't do it myself.

When I believe that I'm the failure and that I could have done more, it is REALLY hard to be confident that the outcome was meant to be. I'm not a believer of fate or destiny. And I know that I don't tend to include myself in friendships with others who see the world in this light. But I'm forever grateful for the friendship I have had and will probably never have again.

I'm a better person for having gone through the roller coaster with you. I wish you the best, even though it is obvious that I can never say that to you in person. There were so many things I wanted to tell you and celebrate with you, but I will always be able to remember things the way I wanted to, at the best of times.

the word is friendship...look it up

I realized that it's almost been over a month, so I thought that I would go ahead and try to come up with something to put on here. So I will try to sum up one cohesive thought that I have acknowledged over this last month.

It's easy to be tempted, even when you are happy. Especially when you know what it is like to have "been there, done that". But you realize how strong you actually are when you have the ability to deny that temptation. That being said, truly happy with my choices that I have made so far. Everything kind of seems to be falling into place except for that pesky job situation.

I've realized how many times things are beyond my control. And no matter how hard you can try to make everyone like you, there will always be someone rooting against you for one reason or another. I had a "family" situation this past month and it really wore me down. To hear someone say that they didn't think I was good enough or to imply that I am using someone really hurts, especially when that person really means a lot to me.

Sometimes conflict can bring out the worst qualities in a person, and I just hope that I can keep my composure. While we all know I'm hot headed, I really do try to keep things contained unless I'm in a one-on-one situation. That being said, I'm allowing myself this one singular rant from a past weekend. When someone puts forth the effort to make an appearance in your life whether it be out of the way or an everyday occurrence, either be appreciative of their presence and spend time with them OR tell them that you really would prefer not to have them around. Sending mixed signals makes no one happy and hurts relationships/friendships more than you could have ever realized.

Now, I know that seems general to some of you. But others can probably take it personally. I do not intend to maintain my friendships one sided. While I love all of my friends to death, I do not appreciate being a door mat. Make the time for me, or I will show you the exact same consideration you have shown me all along.

the benefits to my sole pursuit

My favorite poem will continue to be my favorite for many years to come. The realization of the layers of meanings it has resurfaced over the weekend, and now I'm slightly more emotional than ever before. So excuse me if you see tears, they are tears of joy.

i carry your heart with me by e. e. cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

While I never considered the most obvious perspective this holds, I find that this realization still gives me the peace of mind I have been longing for. And when you find something like that, something that makes you change for the better, you just hold onto it and never let go.

Becoming more like who I want to be in the future is my sole pursuit right now, and finding someone who doesn't mind tagging along for the ride right now? It's just a wonderful benefit. While this isn't the first time that I have felt like a complete whole person...I'm starting to hope it's my last. While that fact may break a few hearts, I hope to God that those hearts heal and find their own benefits in life. After all, everyone does deserve their happily ever after moment.

As for the changing for the better, I'm starting to really get a handle on this taking care of my own happiness and not caring what other people have to say about it. While I say that I have never cared what people thought, those closest to me know the truth. That those thoughts are ALWAYS on my mind. So while I may retrograde back into this mayhem once in a while, but I'm making a solid effort (with a little help), to try and make this change permanent.

keeping myself weird

For my small group this week, we talked about how everybody is weird and in desperate need of Grace. We defined Grace as the second chance, an opportunity to grow, a moment where you experience something that makes you feel like you aren't alone in this world. Sometimes you achieve this through a relationship with God, sometimes you are given Grace by the people you surround yourself with.

This is all given to us through opportunities, defining moments, times that we can look back on and say "that was the turning point" or "that's where it all began". It is strange to think that many times we don't recognize those moments when they happen, but reflecting upon them is when it becomes really serious and very real. I feel like I have had a few of those moments in the last week. My relationships and friendships with people have shifted and changed, and I'm not entirely sure if they are lined up where I want them to be anymore, but it is officially out of my hands.


Anyways, that was my ramble for the post. I probably should go in to it more considering my audience, but I'd rather not due to the same fact. So...instead I will distract with my grateful discovery of the real name of my favorite flower. A little back story to why I haven't known before this point. I have very few favorite movies that classify as romantic comedies or chick flicks, but one in particular would definitely qualify in that category. Simply Irresistible. Not a classic obviously, but it does reveal my passion for cooking and why I think I enjoy it so much. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they cook and I definitely feel like this movie give me something to identify with on that level.

So, in the movie there is a scene where she cooks with flowers (and I'm jealous of that ability because I think that I would wind up poisoning the people I'm cooking for). During the movie they called it the "vanilla orchid" and I've been trying to figure out the real name ever since because that is obviously not the real name. And drum roll please...Oncidium Sharry Baby. No lie. I think I prefer trying call it a Vanilla Orchid, much easier to say. Now I finally have the actual name to say when asked that question. Almost a relief.

But logically speaking? Not exactly an answer that I should give as its rare, expensive, and apparently need to be imported if I'm reading this website correctly. There go my hopes of ever getting my real favorite flower! So now I have to be in the market for a more reasonable choice. The only thing I can say for sure is no matter what, I will never respect a man who gives me roses. See the previous post, I never want to be a cliche.



Well, I guess that's it for now. To the left is a picture of the "Vanilla Orchid".

story of a lifetime

When I hear this song it makes me think of so many different parts of my life. And honestly looking back I see what a hopeless romantic I really used to be. Every guy I met led to this potential fair tale that always ended in a happily ever after.

Learning that I need to be happy on my own has become increasingly more important to me. While having another person in my life would be wonderful, I know that I need to remain patient and enjoy my own life before I can ever hope to share it with someone else. This week will be a test. Valentine's Day is probably my least favorite holiday, I have yet to have a truly happy one. I say that I hate it and that nothing can fix it, but I honestly believe that it's because I can never seem to find someone who is willing to participate in my "ideal day" instead of what society believes it should be.

We all know that I am a girl that likes to march to the beat of my own drum. I would never be happy with a typical candle light dinner, dozen red roses, and a box of chocolates. That would be way too easy and cliche, which is exactly what I don't want in my life. I don't want simple, I don't want a routine, I want the big gesture that no girl has ever had. Asking a lot? Obviously. Do I think I'm worth it? Heck yes I do.

In the end I may not wind up with a fairy tale, but I want one heck of a story.