to be my own person

Looking back on the past year of my life, I realize how much I morph into the person that is needed for someone else. I become someone who I am not entirely happy with for the sake of being this perfect person, and it's exhausting. This realization has been developing over a great time span right now, but it has always been something that was in the back of my mind.

The beginning of this idea started in college during a discussion about how people begin to resemble their dogs or vice versa. Then it elaborated even further when I was watching Eat, Pray, Love, some of you may recognize the scene in which the main characters best friends tell her that she used to resemble her ex-husband, but now she looks so much more like her current boyfriend.

Sometimes this adaptability can be a curse. You feel like you are in constant pursuit of finding your true self, but in reality you are just trying on different personalities to suit the necessary needs for someone else. The desire to be the perfect someone for another person can be an underlying feeling that never really surfaces until you take the time to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that the friends you have are merely there during those time periods, and you may not have these "life-long" friends that you anticipated.

When in a discussion last week over dinner, I realized that instead of calling people "old friends" I should be merely referring to them as acquaintances. Which is rather depressing when you think about it. Here I am in my hometown, and I feel lost. I feel like there really are no friends of mine here, yet some of these acquaintances are still around.

With this being said, I am going to make a conscious effort over the next few month to be my own person, make these friendships and relationships that I know I NEED to have, before getting consumed in a relationship. Now, that is not saying that a relationship isn't around the corner. What this is saying is that I need to continue to maintain my own persona while in this relationship. Which means I need to find someone who will keep me in check and make sure that they have their own life without me as well.

End goal, I want to be in a relationship without having to be a "we" or "us" just yet. I am my own person. And I always will be.